Parenting from the Heart: She’s Being Mean to Me

Is your child exhibiting mean behavior, or is it just a natural part of growing up?

The word mean has many definitions. Just look in the dictionary. Better yet, ask your child his interpretation of the word. Here are some responses to the question, What did your friend do that was mean?

• “He gave me a bad look after I told him to get off the climbing structure.”

• “He wouldn’t give me his truck.”

• “He wouldn’t put the block where I told him.”

• “She didn’t listen to me.”

• “She wanted to be alone.”

• “She played with someone else.”

The dictionary suggests contemptibly selfish, bad-tempered, disagreeable, and malicious as synonyms for mean. However, children and even adults often use the “mean” word to indicate that another person wouldn’t do what we wanted, expressed upset at what we did, or that they didn’t meet all our needs in the moment. Children sometimes accuse parents who are setting a limit of being mean, and parents tell children, “Stop being mean to your little sister.”

Is the word “mean” well enough understood to aid anyone’s communication?

One of the newest labels for children is “mean girls.” Recently, a wonderful mother came to me because she was concerned that her three-year-old daughter was learning some “mean girl” traits from her playmates. The little girl was saying things like “That girl’s not pretty because she’s not wearing a dress.”

Being mean or being a bully is one more point on the childrearing agenda that parents are invited to worry about and discuss. These are complicated issues. Past generations of parents more often sent the kids out to play and urged them to stand up for themselves in an argument. Remember the bully in the movie A Christmas Story?

Today parents have greater awareness of their children’s social life from the time their children are young. They also know the dangers of labeling. Characterizing a girl or a boy as mean is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. As children grow, they try on as many identities as they do outfits. Can I be a princess or a superhero? What’s it like to be the dominant one? What kind of person am I?

Comparing oneself to others (“She’s not pretty because she’s not wearing a dress”) is an attempt to build identity. Parents can offer alternative visions of a situation: “You’re trying to look pretty in a dress. Maybe your friend wants to be a fast runner in pants.” Our media emphasizes the importance of girls being beautiful, and parents and teachers need to balance those influences by discussing the importance of other qualities, e.g., being strong and capable.

One way of understanding why children act the way they do is to learn about typical gender differences. Research shows that girls are usually more interested in relationships than boys are. An argument with a friend that might result in rejection can feel like a threat to the self. Girls’ arguments often last longer. On the other hand, boys are more likely to be aggressive and try to finish a dispute quickly. Since boys’ identities are more involved with actions, simply clarifying rules or who had a toy first can restore the free flow of play.

At school we want to help children talk through conflicts, including allegations that someone is being “mean.” We coach them to express their feelings and understand another child’s perspective. We try to support children’s growing understanding that most things friends do (like having a particular facial expression or the desire to be alone) are based on their own needs in the moment, not the intention to be hurtful.

One eight-year-old girl said, “I wish I could read people’s minds so I would know not to say something that makes a friend mad.” Ultimately, learning to read people’s feelings and hear what they are trying to say is the key to establishing more harmonious relationships. We can witness that ongoing learning in our own lives. When a child has hurt someone at school, we have them look at the other child’s facial expressions and listen to their upset. We also try to help them make amends.

To understand the definition of meanness, we can reflect on our own motivations in times when we are mean or did mean things to others in the past. All the human tendencies to want to prove oneself better than another, exercise power, feel special, vent frustration have long been part of our human condition. Now we have a more human opportunity to notice and heal unkindness and praise caring and cooperation—traits we want to flourish and grow into a more compassionate future.

Susan Isaacs Kohl, is director of the White Pony preschool in Lafayette. She is the author of The Best Things Parents Do (Conari, 2004) and four other books and numerous articles for parents.

Posted at 08:34 AM in News and Community | Permalink