January Forum: Staying Sane in an Insane World

You're not alone, the new economic reality has been rough on everyone, Diabloland included. We hope that our cover story in the January issue helped. But if you want to share your own stories on how you are coping with the economic meltdown, read other stories from your East Bay neighbors, or if you have additional questions for our experts—this is the place.

At the bottom of this page, you will find comments, plus questions and answers by our experts (listed below). If you have a question just click HERE, or on the photo/name of the expert you would like to ask, and fill out the form. If you have a comment, please click HERE. Your comments and Q&As will be posted within 24 hours.

 Experts
 

Steve Butler is president of Pleasant Hill-based Pension Dynamics Corp., author of the book 401(k) Today, and columnist for The Contra Costa Times. He helps individuals and families figure out their best possible pension and benefits plans.

Kristine Carlson is author of An Hour to Live, An Hour to Love: The True Story of the Best Gift Ever Given and the widow of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff author Richard Carlson. Carlson can answer your questions about how to cope with loss, grief, and adversity.
 

Jamie Davidson is a Walnut Creek-based nutrition coach, cooking teacher, and author of three cookooks on healthful eating, most recently Quick and Healthy Meals from Trader Joe's. She is available to answer questions on how to eat well so you can stay healthy in these stressful times.
 

Kathy Fettke real estate investor, certified personal coach, and host of The Real Wealth on 560 KSFO. Fettke, founder of the Real Wealth Network, can answer questions on finding financial opportunities and silver linings, even in tough times.

Roderick Ford-Smith is on the leadership team for Job Connections, a Danville-based support and networking volunteer organization for Bay Area residents looking for jobs or transitioning to new careers. He can answer questions on looking for jobs, networking, and transitioning to new careers.

Ken Greenberg, owner of the Pleasanton-based placement service Express Employment Professionals, suffered his own identity crisis after being laid off from his high-tech job in 2002. Greenberg can offer tips on job searching and transitioning to a new career.

Judi Hampshire is the director of the Contra Costa Crisis Center and 211 lines. She is available to answer questions about how to cope if you feel like your world is spinning out of control.
 

Michael McAlister teaches Zen-inspired, meditative practices through his Walnut Creek-based nonprofit, Infinite Smile. He can answer questions about how to incorporate meditation into your life as a way to live with more personal integrity and spiritual meaning in our East Bay suburbs.

Greg Riley is a yoga teacher who leads classes in studios throughout the East Bay suburbs, as well as a massage therapist and life coach. He can answer questions on meditation practices or making life transitions.

M.J. Ryan, is the author of books including the new Sink of Swim: How to Surf the Monster Wave of Change. Dubbed “an expert in human fulfillment,” Ryan specializes in coaching executives, entrepreneurs, and leadership teams as part of Professional Thinking Partners. She can answer questions about how to stay sane in uncertain times and how to adapt to changing times.

Mariam Safinia heads the Pleasanton-based branch of The School of Practical Philosophy, which is a member of a global family of schools dedicated to the study of profound principles for a deeper experience of life. She can answer questions on how to face adversity, overcome craving for things we cannot have, and find life’s “true wealth.”

December 28

Question: Do you think the mortgage rates are going lower? When should I lock in?

Kathy Fettke: While it's always difficult to predict rates, my guess is that this is the time to lock in a long-term fixed rate. Rates are at an all-time low, and it is not sustainable to keep them at this level for long.  Low rates can hurt our economy by increasing inflation, so eventually the Feds will have to take action and raise them.
      The biggest challenge people are having with getting a loan is finding comps to support a refinance or purchase. Banks want to see some equity, and in an uncertain market, it can be difficult to gauge the current value of your home. Appraisers use recent sales comps to gauge value, but most of what is selling today is REO's (bank owned property) at huge discounts. This may lower the value of your property, showing less equity. Ideally, you'd want to show at least 25% equity to get the best rates. You also have to prove your income and have plenty of reserve funds. If you can do that, now is certainly a great time to refinance or purchase.

December 24

Question: What investments does butler think are safe? I'm holding cash now—I don't dare invest in anything

Steve Butler: This reader should consider opening an account at Vanguard and investing at least some money in a combination of their GNMA bond fund (earning 7% so far this year) as well as the 500 index fund which is paying a 3% dividend based on current stock prices. 
      I would income average into the market over the next 12 months, starting with 10% into each of these two investments now and adding 10% more either on a quarterly basis or every six months.  As for the money market money itself, it should be in a Vanguard money market fund which is currently paying about 2.3%  Most other monty market funds have annual expense ratios which are bringing their net return down to almost nothing. Vanguard charges very little because they operate as a cooperative --- effectively owned by their customers.  

December 23

Comment: We have really, really, really been trying to save money - we are going to need it. Even when we get asked out to dinner, we have to make excuses or just say, we wish we could but we are watching our pennies. People are really understanding. It's not the end of the world - not yet.

December 22

Question: How much should I tell my kids about our money worries? I don't want to freak them out - but the world is a scary place now.

M.J. Ryan: It all depends how old your kids are. My sixth grader came back the other day saying that her teacher told her that everyone needed to "tighten their belts" these days. That's a story that 6-12 year olds can understand that isn't scary. Younger than that, they don't need to know anything, teenagers can handle more of the facts. If your kids ask beyond that, tell them you need to scale back and remind them (and you) that you are resourceful and will figure it out. Ask for them to look for ways to save. But make sure you are not afraid when you talk to them because your fears are contagious. If you're afraid, see my answer to the next question.

Question: I am the breadwinner in my household. If I lose my job, we lose everything. We don't have a crisis yet, but I feel anxious all the time andnothing seems to help. What do your experts suggest?

M.J. Ryan: What actions can you take to give yourself a bit more peace of mind? Put some money aside? Take in a boarder? Plant a garden? Get rid of one car?
      Then come up with a worst case scenario--if you do lose your job what will you do? Take your fears all the way through to an outcome that you can live through by saying, And then what happens? Then we lose the house and we have to move in with my sister.....And then what happens? Fear is a scary story we're stuck in the middle of. Take it all the way through and see you can survive it.
      In addition, make a list of all your resources, both outer--$, time, friends, family--and internal-- your strengths and talents of mind, body and spirit. Ask yourself what qualities you've cultivated by going through hard times in the past and how you can draw on those now. Give yourself a set amount of time to worry--15 minutes a day at a specific time. Then when your mind starts worrying at other times, tell yourself it's not worry time yet and distract yourself--read a good book, do a puzzle, something that occupies your mind.

Mariam Safinia: Dear Friend, one thing that will certainly not help is anxiety. When you feel it coming on, ask yourself, "What would a wise person do now?" Whenever you catch yourself saying things like, "If I lose my job, we lose everything" ask yourself "Is this true?" You will see that you still have a family, you have your health, your education and your skills, your friends and the infinite potential of each moment. I speak from personal experience; we left our country thirty years ago for political reasons and found ourselves in London without work, with only two month permission to stay and surrounded by friends who were in the same boat or worse. I can honestly say, looking back, that it was one of the most creative times of our lives and the family pulled together like never before.
      So, instead of panicking, allow gratitude to arise for all that you have, tighten your belt and enjoy the best things in life which continue to be free. And if you have any spare time, consider attending a course in Practical Philosophy - you may also look back and consider the recession to have been a great teacher. Click HERE to read one of my favorite poems "IF"; you could spend an evening reading and discussing it with your family; it will certainly open the heart. I wish you all the best always, Mariam.

Judi Hampshire: There are two central issues I hear. The fear of losing the job that provides for your family and anxiety that seems prevasive and unrelenting. While related, these issues can be broken down to be more manageable.
      Regarding your job, is your fear of losing it based on a real possibility? Are there layoffs occuring in your industry or more specifically, in your company? Some jobs are, even in this economy, pretty secure. While nothing is a guarantee, assessing how real the fear is can help you plan. If after assessing, maybe even talking with your supervisor about your concerns, you still feel there is a chance that you could lose your job, begin planning by cutting back on unnecessary expenses to save money-cable t.v., eating out, even lowering your heater temperature to save energy and money can help to build some savings. Having your resume ready and tentatively exploring other job options while you are still employed can help you to feel more in control. Finally, working hard and skillfully, being dependable and working well with others are all qualities that make you more valuable in the workplace when cutbacks are considered.
      Anxiety is a difficult experience, creating both emotional and physical discomfort. Finding ways to relax and let go of worry is an ongoing challenge but important to your long-term coping success. Anxiety can also be a 'self-fulfilling prophecy in that we begin to fret about being anxious and create the anxious state without the external event that used to create the anxiety. When you feel anxious, try incorporating activities and countering thoughts ("it is just some anxiety", "We will be okay") and even deep breathing to calm this vicious emotional spiral.
      We are looking at an uncertain economy for some time here, so it is not likely that the real anxiety about your job will resolve quickly. Are you able to create space to exercise? Laugh? Spend quality time enjoying your family? Reading a book or engaging in other activities that can distract you from your day-to-day worries? Physical activity, even walking, can help with the physical manifestations of anxiety. Mental and emotionally nurturing activities address some of the psychological challenges.
      One final point, you mention that if you lose your job, you lose "everything". While I am not there to see just what you mean, I will note that cognitive beliefs like these-all or nothing-can contribute greatly to anxiety. Would you lose "everything?" You have, I am guessing, family and friends who love you, and the determination to manage-though with difficulty and challenges. Looking at these all-encompassing statements that infer all win or all lose and beginning to re-write them in our own minds can help to lower anxiety and build manageable expectations and contingency plans should fears be realized.
       Always, you can contact our crisis lines 24/7 for support to sort things through, to reaffirm your resilience and to explore community resources. You are not alone!

Question: I have been eating more than ever this holiday season. I don't how many See's nuts and chews I have gone through. Lots. And we aren't even at Christmas Day yet...honey glazed ham, sweetbreads, punkin (sic) pie, gravy and what not. How do I stop? How do I say no to seconds when comfort food is my greatest pleasure?

Jamie Davidson: You have asked THE question that every client I have worked with asks, which is, "I know WHAT I'm suppose to do to lose weight, how come I can't DO it?" We are especially surrounded by an abundance of cues to overeat this time of year.  They are: special holiday-only foods, festive occasions, stress, overdoing, being tired, unrealistic expectations, perhaps an overindulgence of alcohol (which can lower our inhibitions about how much we eat), the cold  weather and our lack of exercise, etc. Add even a couple of those together and that is a recipe for disaster with any behavior that we are trying to change or control at any time of the year. Being aware of your particular eating cues is key. Is it visual (the box of candy sitting on your desk or on your counter at home?) Is it emotional (are you feeling stressed or anxious about the holidays?) Is it perhaps biochemical (sleep disturbance or insomnia can play havoc with your biochemistry and make you feel more hungry.) Can you eliminate or lessen the cues to overeat in your environment?
      It is important to have a plan for an event where you think you may overeat and to be accountable for following through with the plan. That's where a coach or someone to be accountable to is invaluable, as she/he can help you develop the self-monitoring skills that you have not yet learned or are not practicing at this time. Keeping food records is also key. "Sparkpeople", on online Web site is a wonderful tool for keeping track of what you are putting into your mouth and can help you monitor your calories. Rewarding yourself (with non food items) after successfully following through with a plan can also be an effective way to begin to change your behavior.
      Lastly, you mentioned that comfort food is your greatest pleasure. You might want to think about developing some other pleasures which are easily indulged to replace overeating. Some clients keep a list of pleasurable activities that they can do in a short period of time for moments when they are considering eating when they are not hungry.
      It is important to be very postive about your efforts in this area. Being negative or hard on yourself can be counter-productive and lead to even more overeating. Make a plan, stick with it as much as possible, forgive yourself if you don't and make a more doable, reasonable plan for the following day or event. Reward yourself for your positive efforts immediately. And gets lots of exercise; it can make a huge difference in so many ways.
      Good luck!